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Article published on LinkedIn.com:
Mars 29 2024
14_Power_290324.pdf
Power
Power is the ability to get things done your way.
Sometimes it involves asking for a favor, making a suggestion
or a request, or giving a direct order; but the result is
always that the other person acts, and you derive a benefit
from the other person's actions. The condition is that you
have power.
You have it over your employees because you pay their
salaries. If you are an expert in a special field, it is
because you know the best way to handle matters. In a legal
dispute, it is because you have the law on your side. In
politics, it is because folks will give you their votes,
hoping that you will work and succeed in getting the
government to serve them in their areas or areas of interests.
If you have credit cards, it can be part of your lifestyle to
go into a store, hotel, or restaurant, in any city, and order
whatever you wish.
And there is the power that derives from being talented,
captivating, and capable from being
up-to-the minute and knowledgeable, so that people know
that if they let you handle things for them, or listen to your
advice, they will probably come out ahead. If everybody in the
world were fair and equal, we would not have the need for
power. However, of course, they are not, which often means
that in a competitive situation, you cannot merely settle for
an equal chance.
You must keep your eyes and ears open for and alert to any
clue or other tips that will move the balance in your favor.
Whenever possible, make sure you get more than an equal
chance. When the struggle for power gets more intense, some
other methods are needed. When you are dealing with someone
whose mind is closed to your ideas and influence from the
start, or who feels he is in direct competition with you, then
things must be handled somewhat differently. The issue becomes
what kind of power a person has and how someone uses that
power. Here are some of the common types of power you will
encounter in society.
Coercive power:
It is associated with people who are in a position to punish
others. People fear the consequences of not doing what is
asked of them.
Connection power: It is based upon whom you know. This
person knows, and has the ear of, other powerful people within
the society.
Expert power: It comes from a person’s expertise. This
is commonly a person with an acclaimed skill or
accomplishment.
Informational power: It is about the value or
importance of information and knowledge.
Legitimate
power: It comes from the position a person holds. This is
related to a person’s title and responsibilities.
Referent power: The ones who are well-liked and
respected hold this kind of power.
Reward power:
It is based upon a person’s ability to bestow rewards.
Remember that power is something that can be used in different
ways. When a person has an unbelievable amount of power and
abuses it, then you have a problem. When the person can
brandish the power in order to achieve great exploits that
benefit a cause larger than himself or herself you often have
a positive outcome from the use of that same power.
Do people have power over you?
Those who try to control other people are, simply put, neither
nice nor respectful. While a controlling personality belongs
to someone who probably has deeper issues, such as
codependency, narcissism, sociopath tendencies, or just sheer
stubbornness, you should shoulder none of these negative
traits.
Controlling people are selfish to the core, immature at heart,
and likely to put the brakes on your leading a fulfilling life
if you are in constant close proximity to them. In order to
spare yourself getting too entangled with a controlling
personality, or to awaken yourself to the fact that the
controlling person is the one with the problem and not you,
here are some questions to ask to help you recognize a
controlling person.
Do you have any relationships in which you feel suffocated,
bossed around, confused, or distressed?
Is there someone in your life around whom you feel that you
have to tiptoe and be super careful to mollify or not anger?
Do you know someone who seems to have buttons that when
pushed make the person go off at you - at the simplest
of things you say or do, often without rhyme or reason? If you
feel that any of these situations has a ring of familiarity to
it, then you may be dealing with a controlling person.
Controlling people can be both male and female, and you find
them in both romantic and platonic relationships. Be just as
wary of a jealous friend who hates your significant other as
you are of your significant other, especially if your friend
is unhappy with his or her romances. Just because someone has
a forceful personality does not make him or her a controlling
personality.
The test is: Does he or she allow you to be yourself, or
exert undue influence over your behavior? You should know
this instinctively.
Moodiness is a key signal of a controlling person, precisely
because those with moody personalities tend to be mulling over
perceived hurts and injustices that have happened to them
personally and to be seeking to remedy their internal pain and
to improve their situations by controlling others.
Moody people tend to withdraw or ‘’to throw a depressing
darkness’’ right into the middle of a moment of happiness.
Narcissists will frequently throw an abusing attack when
inadequate attention is being paid to them and their needs.
This is a manipulative way of controlling that can be hard to
say no to because the person will often say they are in pain,
upset, hurting, and the like, trying to make the other person
feel bad for them.
Frequent temper outbursts, especially those accompanied by
bullying or threats, are a sign of a controlling personality
type. Temper outbursts often happen when you disagree with
them or do not do exactly what they want you to do.
In their minds, you are challenging their authority over you
when you either disagree with them or do not comply with their
wishes.
Questions can reveal several things in terms of a controlling
person when he or she responds in a frustrated or
condescending way. As I already alluded to, a controlling
person thinks that you can read his or her mind. If you ask
basic questions about what to do together, where to go, what
he or she want, etc., the person can become easily frustrated
because they expected you to have all of their needs
thoroughly understood and accounted for and placed ahead in
priority over yours.
Asking questions means a decision still needs to be made, and
when the controlling person thinks, the decisions have already
been made, all about the person himself or herself for the
convenience of that person.
Controlling people often assume that they understand how you
think, even when they actually do not. They may become
frustrated because they have constructed an image of you that
is at odds with what you say and who you are.
Questions can irritate a controlling person because the person
would rather be in control of the questioning, not have
anybody else in control.
Questions can verify for a controlling type of person that the
questioner is in need of guidance and control because they do
not know the answer.
This may actually make things worse over time because the
controller is seeking to have the controlled person
second-guess his or her own decision-making abilities.
It is often the case that people with control issues are not
very good at giving sincere compliments. They do not want you
to feel pleasant about yourself because it may take away
control from them and draw attention away from them.
Compliments, when given, are backhanded, sneaky, and actually
point out some flaw or defect in the other person.
A controlling person may try to control the way you dress and
speak, or he or she may even criticize your opinions.
Be wary of any person who seems incapable of understanding or
accepting the word "NO." Controlling or not, this person is a
problem but coupled with controlling tendencies, he or she is
bound to walk all over. This person will tend to insist on
something under he or she wears you down and makes you give
in, changing your firm no to a weak yes, and leaving you
feeling guilt-ridden and ashamed of yourself.
Remember that it is your right to make decisions, including
ones that are in the negative and that refuse to do what this
person asks.
You should review how this person sees difficult situations,
mutual decision-making, or issues of responsibility. It is in
these areas that you can truly spot the controlling person
more fully.
Unlike a highly opinionated person, a controlling person lacks
the ability to tolerate or accept differences between the two
of you. Indeed, a controlling person is always seeking ways to
change some part of your core traits or personality, to
reshape you as part of his or her feeble attempt to control
the surrounding world.
While it can be said that relationships are not democracies,
neither are they dictatorships. It is important to seek a
balance that the parties are comfortable with within any
relationship, and the ability to compromise, tolerate, and be
flexible - and give mutually and take are essential to healthy
relationships.
Remember that we teach people how to treat us. If you find
yourself constantly "giving in" to the other person on things
that matter to you, then you are not being yourself but are
being controlled.
Look at what happens in your other relationships. When the
controlling person is around your friends and supporters,
watch out. The controlling person will often try to cause
trouble between you and your friends, spreading rumors,
attempt to create divisions, divide, and conquer, and will
even tell lies about you to them or about them to you to try
to break your attachment to them.
The ultimate aim is to isolate you from others, so that he or
she can have your exclusive attention inside the reality he or
she is trying to structure for you. Stay alert; any attempts
to remove or downgrade your friends or supporters from your
life are red flags.
Controlling people often do not have close friends, and they
are rarely friends with others who are more attractive,
intelligent, or well liked than themselves.
They tend to be jealous of popular, successful people and will
criticize those held in high-regard by others. A lack of close
friends may be one additional sign of their inability to
tolerate others and their need to control relationships
tightly.
Relationships and friendships are not built on who is in
control. They are mutual interactions based on shared give and
take and people always seeking balance.
A controlling person tends to keep up social and legal
connections, such as threats of litigation, divorce,
manipulating marriage, roommate tenancy contracts, shared cell
phone plans, misuse of divided credit, and similar contracts,
especially if administrative rights are included.
Even in social networks, one may block and unblock a person
rather than delete the connection, as another attempt to
control a difficult or failed relationship.
The longer that you allow other people to control you, the
weaker you may become. In time, this softer self may become
your new personality, and you can find yourself only dreaming
of your former strong self.
Suspect excessive generosity from a controlling personality as
an attempt to impress and control you. By seeming to give you
lots of things, so that you always feel as if you are
benefiting in some way, you end up feeling as if you owe the
person something, perhaps even long term. The controller then
uses that obligation you feel towards him or her to control
you.
Remember that if you are a person who likes to control others,
step back and take a long look at the stress that you may be
causing someone else while you are breaking down your own
mental health and happiness.
This 642-page book is the result of a four-year project called
Project Tomorrow. During the four-year period, we followed
more than 500 trainees, aged from 16 to 72.
The trainees were from colleges and reinsertion programs in
administration and computer science. Some of the trainees that
were implicated where dropouts from school districts, and
others were new immigrants or unemployed workers from
different economic and social backgrounds.
To graduate, the trainee had to perform during a period of
three months in a business environment. At the end of that
time, an appreciation evaluation was performed to determine
both the amount of change the trainee experienced during the
period and the impact of that change on the trainee.
Many of the questions, reflections, and answers presented in
this book are issued from our findings during this period. We
would like to thank all the trainees for their efforts and
determination during the process.
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This 642-page book is the result of a four-year project
called Project Tomorrow. During the four-year period,
we followed more than 500 trainees, aged from 16 to
72.
It is also the fruit of forty years of experience
acquired with local and international organizations
and companies and during consultancy, change
management, transition, and marketing services. For
more information go to:
www.webtechpublishing.com .
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About the Author
Decelles
Other publications:
ISO Pour Tous
– Le manuel
d’information ISO – Le guide de préparation ISO – La
gestion du changement en affaires – La gestion de
projet d’affaires – Le
changement POUR TOUS –
Change Your Future,
Now! – Mon succès est votre succès –
My Success Is Your Success.
Press Contact
Germain Decelles, o.s.j.
WebTech Management and Publishing Incorpored
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