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Article published on LinkedIn.com: July 19, 2023
20_MARS AND VENUS_En.pdf
MARS AND VENUS
Everyone hates to fail, but
for some people, failure poses such a significant
psychological threat that their motivation to avoid failure
outweighs their motivation to succeed.
Thirty years ago, the book «
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus » was published.
This hugely popular book by author John Gray contains many
suggestions for improving relationships between men and women
by understanding the communication style and emotional needs
of the opposite sex.
As the title suggests, the book
affirms the idea that men and women are as different as beings
from other planets, and that learning the code of conduct of
the opposite sex is of essential value even if individuals do
not necessarily conform to stereotypical behavior.
Communications and
relationships are based on understanding each other. As much
in your life as a couple, at work and in society, you have to
be careful about how to understand the differences between men
and women, because your success depends on it.
To help us understand the
possible differences and similarities, it is worth reviewing
some facts from Dr. Gray's research.
1. Enjoy the
difference: it is important to remember that men and women
have mutually different natures. Men and women need to
appreciate these differences and stop expecting the other to
act the same or feel the same.
2. The differences: men
love to have their abilities recognized and appreciated and
hate to have them looked down upon or ignored. Women love
having their feelings acknowledged and appreciated, and hate
having them looked down upon or ignored.
Men don't
place much importance on feelings, as they believe they can
lead to extremely passionate and extremely unstable behavior.
Women do not place great importance on abilities, because in
their opinion, they can lead to coldly impartial and
aggressive behavior.
Men like to work alone and
exercise their abilities by solving problems quickly and
alone. Women like to cooperate and exercise their feelings
through interactive communication with each other.
Men
value solutions and find unsolicited help undermines their
efforts to solve problems on their own. Women value assistance
and view unsolicited solutions as undermining their efforts to
proceed interactively.
Men want their solutions to be
appreciated. Women want their assistance to be appreciated.
3. Dealing with problems: men like their abilities to be
recognized and appreciated and hate to have them looked down
upon or ignored. Women like to have their feelings.
When faced with difficult issues, men become
non-communicative, so they can find the best way to help
themselves, while women become communicative, so that others
can find the best way to help them.
Men like to
demonstrate their abilities by allowing them to solve problems
without interference. Women like to show their feelings by
being allowed to relate issues without interference.
When men communicate, they like to cut to the chase and
generally only want to listen if they determine there is
something in the conversation to discuss. Women like to talk
for fun and are happy to listen unconditionally.
A
man's instinct is to take care of himself, even if it means
sacrificing others. A woman's instinct is to care for others,
even if that means sacrificing herself.
In a
relationship, a man must learn to take care of his partner
rather than sacrificing his needs in favor of hers, and a
woman must learn to be cared for by her partner rather than
sacrificing her own needs in favor of hers, to so that
everyone's needs are met.
If successful, both wins,
unlike their instinctive behaviors where one person benefits
from another's loss.
It takes work, because if either
partner feels that their relationship efforts aren't
succeeding in pleasing their partner, they may feel hurt and
decide to revert to their instinctual behavior.
Unfortunately, this then causes the other partner to do the
same and the relationship inevitably falls apart.
In a
relationship, a man needs to feel that his attentions are
needed and a woman needs to feel that her needs are taken care
of.
To achieve this, a man must express his desire to
have his needs met and his dignity to receive his care, and a
woman must express her desire for his care and her dignity to
have his needs met.
Both must remember to appreciate,
accept, and forgive the other, and avoid blaming them when
they fail.
4. Information exchange: men speak in very
objective terms for the purpose of conveying information. The
women use their artistic sense and a theatrical vocabulary to
fully express and tell their feelings.
Men like to sort
through their thoughts before communicating with them and tend
to become aloof and uncommunicative when pondering their
concerns. At this time, a woman needs reassurance that her
partner still considers her worthy of care.
Women like
to sort out their thoughts when communicating with them and
tend to pour out a litany of general grievances when they
relate their concerns.
Currently, a man needs
reassurance that his partner still deems him worthy of taking
care of things.
Both should try to avoid feeling
personally blamed when their partner is facing problems.
5. The elastic effect: men periodically rush to safety
when they suddenly fear their self-sufficiency is threatened.
At such times, they can become totally unapproachable,
demanding the right to be on their own and not express their
feelings.
But, if they receive support by giving them
space for a little while, they will soon feel better and
return to their usual state of self-love.
It can be
difficult for women to deal with the suddenness and speed with
which men rush for cover and then bounce back.
When men
withdraw into themselves, they can help their partners, not
worry too much or take it personally by providing a brief
assurance that they will return in due course.
Women
should resist the temptation to try to bring their partner
back prematurely or to criticize him for this natural
behavior.
Men like to sort through their thoughts
before communicating with them and tend to become aloof and
uncommunicative when pondering their concerns.
At this
time, a woman needs reassurance that her partner still
considers her worthy of care.
Women like to sort out
their thoughts when communicating with them and tend to pour
out a litany of general grievances when they relate their
concerns.
Currently, a man needs
reassurance that his partner still deems him worthy of taking
care of things. Both should try to avoid feeling personally
blamed when their partner is facing problems.
When a
man is troubled, he doesn't want his partner to worry about
him, but likes to be told that the problem is easily within
his abilities to be rectified due to an implied vote of
confidence in his abilities.
When a woman is troubled,
she likes her partner to express concern for her, but doesn't
want to be told the problem is easy to solve because of the
implied dismissal of her concerns about it.
A solution
must be sought once his feelings have been fully listened to,
a solution that is too quick justifies his abilities, but
devalues his worries, a problem that is too persistent
justifies his worries, but devalues his abilities.
Men
feel validated and gratified when left on their own to sort
things out and feel undermined by sympathy or unsolicited
help.
Women feel valued and gratified when they are
offered unsolicited sympathy or help and feel undermined when
they are left on their own to sort things out.
6. A mutual understanding:
women periodically sink into depression when they feel it is
time to cleanse and resolve themselves emotionally.
At
that point, they may become completely negative in their
outlook, dwelling on all the issues that are bothering them,
including long-standing ones that will usually have been
raised and dealt with before, and if they cannot find real
issues to focus on, so they find something else to worry
about.
They suspend their normal offering nature,
demanding the right to express their feelings and not be left
on their own, and if supported and given enough time to
express and release their negative feelings, they will begin
to feel happier again and regain their self-esteem.
The slowness with which they
sink into depression and later recover can be difficult for
men to deal with.
At times when women are sinking
into themselves, they can help their partners, not worry too
much or take it personally by providing a brief reassurance
that it is not their partner's fault.
Men should resist the
temptation to try to prematurely straighten their partner out
or criticize her for this natural behavior.
Men claim the right to be free
from time to time. Women ask for the right to be heard from
time to time. When a man feels free, he finds it easier to
support a woman's need to be heard. When a woman feels heard,
she finds it easier to respond to a man's need to be free.
If a man's periodic need to be
free coincides with a woman's periodic need to be heard, the
best solution is for the woman to be content to be heard by
her friends instead.
7. Emotional needs: men and
women need to remember that the emotional needs of the
opposite sex are not the same as their own. Providing our
partners with the wrong kind of emotional need will not be
very desired.
Deep inside every man is a knight in
shining armor looking for a damsel in distress who will love
and cover him, of trust, consent, appreciation, admiration,
approval, and encouragement.
Deep within every woman is
a damsel in distress looking for a knight in shining armor who
will love her and shower her with kindness, understanding,
respect, devotion, validation, and comfort.
Men should
listen carefully to women to understand their needs, avoiding
becoming angry or defensive.
Women should have faith
in men's abilities and do their best to meet their needs,
avoiding trying to change or control them.
8.
Arguments: communication between partners should be loving and
respectful. Verbal attacks, on the other hand, are very
destructive. It's often not so much what is said that causes
the damage, but the tone of voice and the body language that
accompanies it.
Arguments thrive on the fact that men
don't pay enough attention to women's feelings and that women
critically disapprove of men.
Either can be the initial
trigger, as a man's inattention can cause a woman to get upset
and express disapproval, and a woman's disapproval can cause a
man to become defensive and stop listening to her feelings.
When men make mistakes, they get frustrated and angry, and
it's best to leave them alone until they calm down. For men,
an apology is an admission of guilt.
Women see apologies
as an expression of compassion. This difference in perception
is why men are generally much less willing to apologize than
women.
When engaged in an argument, men use strong,
aggressive words to ensure they win the argument, and women
are frequently forced to back down when faced with an utterly
determined and implacable opponent.
The men then feel
as if they've won the argument, but it's an empty victory,
because their female partners haven't changed their minds,
they just evade the arguments, in order to avoid that the
conflict continues to worsen.
Sometimes people would
rather avoid arguments than engage in them. Men tend to do
this by withdrawing into themselves and refusing to talk.
Often women claim that the disagreement has been
forgotten. The resulting peace is cold, as the problems
continue to fester unresolved.
To prevent communication
from degenerating into arguments, men should try to listen
without becoming defensive, and women should try to express
their feelings without criticizing their partners.
9.
Give and appreciate: men feel loved if their efforts to give
are appreciated. Women feel loved based on what they receive.
For women, loving someone means knowing and meeting their
needs without waiting to be asked, and therefore a loved one
should never have to claim anything, because their needs must
be anticipated.
Thus, women give unconditionally and
proactively seek out ways to help others, while men only give
when they feel their efforts will be fairly appreciated and
rewarded, and often do not know, how or what to give without
specifically asked.
Men often quickly suspend donations
when they feel satisfied that they have done something. Women
can only suspend donations when they feel unhappy that their
partner is not doing anything.
Men value results. For women,
it's the thought that counts. Therefore, men appreciate big
things much more than women, who feel more appreciated by
receiving lots of small gifts instead. A woman may consider a
bouquet of flowers as much proof of love as an entire month of
hard work paying the bills.
If men and women don't consider
these different perspectives, they risk not giving their
partners what they really want.
When this happens, the man will
tend to withhold offerings, as he feels he is not getting
enough reward for what he has given, but the woman will
continue to give unconditionally even though she feels she is
giving more and has started to feel unloved, unappreciated,
and bitter.
Men should try to identify
various small ways to give to their partner without expecting
to be asked first and should avoid the mistake of assuming
their partner is happy to give and not asking for anything in
return.
Women need to be careful not to
give their partners the wrong impression of being happy when
they're not, and if they start feeling resentful, they need to
gently reduce their giving, learn to ask for things in return,
and make sure to continue to express a lot of appreciation for
the efforts of their partners, in order to encourage them to
give more.
If men give and women
appreciate, both end up being happy.
10. Communicate difficult
emotions: unresolved negative feelings can cause us to act in
ways we really don't want to or manifest in all sorts of
compulsive or addictive behaviors.
By acting as loving
parents to our own inner child, we finally allow our pent-up
feelings to fully express themselves and be released.
To ease pain and win love, men often seek success obsessively
and women often seek perfection obsessively.
Men can
use anger, ego, or forgetfulness, such as immersing themselves
in their work, to avoid vulnerable feelings of pain or fear.
Women may become depressed or confused to avoid aggressive
feelings of anger.
Constructive communication is a learned
skill, and many of us must first unlearn the paradigm of
negative communication and repression of feelings that we
experienced as children.
Communication works best if it
presents the full picture, so that the root of the problem is
revealed rather than just the symptoms.
Writing down
our feelings is a great way to express our negative emotions
such as anger, pain, fear, and regret in a controlled way,
rather than letting them explode against our partners in the
heat of the moment.
Once this is done, we can
reconnect with our romantic feelings, and we are then in a
much better shape to explain to our partners how we feel and
what they can do to help us feel better.
It is
important to communicate such feelings in a loving atmosphere
because we may need to feel loved safely while communicating
such intimate and revealing feelings.
For their part,
our partners may need the same if some of these feelings are
painful to hear or can be taken personally. Sometimes it's
worth discussing it with friends or advisors first.
11.
How to request assistance: men like to do things that are
appreciated and hate to do things that are required.
Criticizing him or giving him excessive instructions will make
him feel more like a slave than a loved and trusted partner.
Men like to prove their worth through the things they
do, but they usually wait to be asked. Generally, men take a
long time to learn how to offer their services unsolicited.
Women should avoid asking a man for help in a way that
doesn't sound like a clear request or carries an implied
criticism that he should have done it already.
Questions that begin with the words « Could you » or « Can you
» are often interpreted by men as questioning their abilities,
and so they respond more positively to the same questions if
they instead start with; « Would you like » or « Do you want.
»
The difference may seem small, but it can seem as
different as the man who says « No, I can't » or « No, I won't
» in response to the request.
It's best to give a man
the freedom to do things in a way and at a time that suits
him.
If a man is busy doing something and a woman needs
his help with something else, she should feel free to ask him
for help, but be prepared for him to ask to defer her or even
to refuse it.
If requests always call for positive
responses, they are indeed requests and men will feel the
difference.
If a man complains about a request, he's
really thinking about it, and the best approach is to just
wait for him to make a decision without saying anything more
while aiming to accept the outcome gracefully.
12. A
question of maturity: in relationships, unresolved negative
feelings can arise without warning, and we suddenly become
upset, sensitive, or distant. When this happens to our
partners, we must encourage them to overcome this situation,
accepting that it may take time and that they may need outside
support as well as ourselves while doing our best to control
any impatience or resentment we might feel toward them during
these times.
Love necessarily changes over time. The
pristine happiness we feel when we first fall in love doesn't
last forever, and over time our personal flaws and negative
baggage inevitably become exposed. But if we remain faithful
through the ups and downs of each other's lives, then our
initial happiness gradually transforms into a mature form of
love that can become stronger and more complete over the
years.
13. Life Changing Factors: be responsible for
your actions, otherwise you are a victim. We react differently
to external stress.Men detach themselves and analyze calmly.
Women experience strong emotions when evaluating support. Men
misinterpret women's emotions as needing resolution.
Most
couples get stuck in a pattern where she gives more and he
gives less, then she resents him, so he gives even less
because he's not appreciated.
Remember that the world
is constantly changing. It is also important to understand
that you must take into account the society around you, not
only from a gender point of view, but also from a racist,
spiritual, political, economic, etc. side, in order to gauge
your interactions.
There is also the genetic history
that comes into account. Women these days are much more eager
for career challenges and are looking more for a certain level
of independence. Traditionally male occupations are now filled
by energetic women who wish to be in control of their destiny.
However, man is a man and woman is a woman and the
genetics of several thousand years quickly comes to the
surface among other things under the emotions.
Today,
what it means to be a man, or a woman is more nuanced and
complex than ever. Men and women are moving beyond stereotypes
and embracing their true selves, which has important
implications for relationships today. As the roles of men and
women evolve, the mastery of the relations of the two genders
must also evolve.
Find out more about « communicating with
others » with My Success Is Your Success. The book through
questions, quotes and reflections provides the necessary
elements to explore all about motivation so to shape your
success and help those around you do the same. Remember that
success is all about team efforts!
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This book is the result of forty years
of experience acquired with local and international
organizations and companies and during consultancy,
change management, transition and marketing services.
This 404-page
personal development book was published by WebTech
Publishing and is available online in English, North
American French and European versions. For more
information and to view the flip book, visit
webtechPublishing.
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About the Author
Decelles
Other publications:
ISO Pour Tous
– Le manuel
d’information ISO – Le guide de préparation ISO – La
gestion du changement en affaires – La gestion de
projet d’affaires – Le
changement POUR TOUS –
Change your future,
now! – Mon succès est votre succès.
Press Contact
Germain Decelles, o.s.j.
WebTech Management et Publication Incorpored
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